Hi, my name is Ebony and I live with mental health and substance use conditions. My sobriety/recovery date is 1/28/2014. I grew up in a military home. I am the oldest of 3 girls. When I was 3 years old my parents got a divorce. While I was very young, I experienced some childhood trauma. We moved to 4 different states by the time I was in 1st grade. Soon after, my mother remarried, and we moved again.
I started to develop certain behaviors. I would bite my nails until they bled, I had to be perfect at everything (grades), I would throw myself into everything I did, and I made sure I was the best at it, I wanted everyone to like me (my life would be over if that wasn’t the case) and I would get angry really quickly and sometimes I didn’t even know why. When I was in 6th grade I developed a passion for sports. I started to play basketball and I loved it. I wanted to make it to the WNBA. Like everything else, I threw myself into that sport.
Right around the same time I experienced some other traumas. When I was in the 8th grade my mom sat me and my sisters down and told us that her and my stepdad were getting a divorce, and we were moving to New Hampshire. Right after that, was the first time I picked up alcohol and drugs, I was 13 years old. The consequences from using brought me downhill very quickly. I started skipping school, quit the basketball team, started a very unhealthy relationship and ran away from home. Now, I am 14 years old, and I was sent to a group home.
When I got out, I vowed never to use drugs again. That only lasted the 6 months I was on juvenile probation. I continued to be in that unhealthy relationship. During that time, I found out I was pregnant. My 16th birthday party was a baby shower. Having a baby didn’t stop me from getting high. My mom begging me to stop didn’t work either. Eventually, I ended up married, having two more children and I was absolutely miserable. I couldn’t hold a job, spent our rent money, stole from people I said I cared about, didn’t clean the house, didn’t take a shower, I was suicidal, and I was emotionally detached from my family. My husband and I fought all the time.
Soon I would find out that my grandfather was dying. My sister was diagnosed with schizophrenia in the same year. She was 14 months younger than me, and we were best friends. Now I had to watch her completely change before my eyes. This developed my STIGMA on what I thought a mental health condition was. I had to grieve for my sister while she was still alive and all I could think about was getting high and drunk, nothing else mattered.
My family and I ended up homeless and had to live in a shelter. While living in the family shelter a counselor there asked me to go get help. I left and went to rehab. I learned so much and put in a lot of work. I managed to put together 18 months of sobriety. I thought everything was ok now and I could go on about my life and be happy. I moved back in with my husband and kids. The problem was, after a month or so of being there I was right back to being unhappy and went right back to my negative coping skills (using drugs and alcohol). You see, I had learned how to treat my addiction, but I hadn’t gotten treatment for that childhood trauma.
After 5 years of misery, on 1/21/2014, my husband and I got in a fight, and I was arrested and removed from my home. I was at risk of losing my children and divorce was inevitable. I ended up moving into my mother’s apartment with a suitcase full of clothes and slept on her living room floor. I was facing charges and had to go to court. I was so broken and embarrassed, so I decided to end my life, but something stopped me from doing that. I realized I had a purpose, and I made a decision to keep living.
When I went to court, they told me to do a program called Community Connections. This program is part of the Mental Health Court (an alternative to regular court for people living with mental health conditions). The first thing I thought was “I’m not crazy! I don’t need to go to the Mental Health Center!” The lawyer explained to me that I would do the treatment for 1 year and if I could do that I would graduate and get my charges null processed (off my record). I thought, “I can do that.”
So, I went to get an intake. There they told me I had some mental health conditions. They are Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, Severe Depression and Substance Use Disorder. They explained the symptoms to me, and I was in complete shock. Everything they were saying was very familiar to me. I always thought there was something wrong with me. For the first time, I felt like that was not the truth. Then they proceeded to tell me that there was treatment for these conditions and that I could live a happy life. It felt like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders.
So, like I usually do, I dove into treatment. I did everything they told me to do. I went to groups, I practiced my healthy coping skills, I joined the Inshape program (for physical health), I got supported employment and met with my therapist regularly. I also did all the things the rehab taught me to maintain sobriety. After a while, my 2 younger kids moved back in with me, I got a job, signed up for transitional housing through a non-profit organization and after walking to work every day, I eventually got a car donated to me from another non-profit organization. My life had actually started to get better. I filed for my divorce and started working at a sober home for women.
During that time my sister passed away (the one who lived with schizophrenia) and then that job laid me off. I thought I was going to fall back into my old habits, but I had so many healthy coping skills in my toolbox and people in my life that supported me. They helped me cope with all of those negative life challenges. I actually got through it without using drugs or harming myself! I eventually got a job as a peer support specialist, at the center where I did my therapy and I stayed there for 5 years! Now I have a career that I never thought would be possible and I get to use my lived experience to help others! It has been over 10 years and I have not found it necessary to put alcohol or drugs in my body. About 8 months after I got sober, I decided to quit smoking cigarettes too. I found a substance use program and community that works for me.
I continue to take the time to work on my mental health. I have much better relationships with my kids and the rest of my family. I have gained so many friends that truly care about my well-being. I have my own apartment (looking to buy my first house), a brand-new car, can pay all of my bills, improved my credit score and no longer need to receive assistance from the state (nothing against getting help from the state at all). It hasn’t always been easy though; I have to reach inside that toolbox everyday and use the knowledge I’ve been given.
For a very long time I thought there was something wrong with me. Now, I know that there is nothing wrong with me. We all have mental health, just like we have physical health. If we are physically sick, we go to the doctor and get treatment. It’s the same thing with our mental health. I am living proof that a mental health condition does not determine your worth and it does not mean you can’t be happy and healthy. Never give up! There is HOPE!